Sorry that I have been slacking on my blog but things have been really rough in my life lately. Please forgive me. I will be back to posting things on a daily basis hopefully by September 1. Thank You for being patient and do not forget about me please.
Finally… August 20, 2008
Sorry that it has been so long since I posted anything new.
All my life I have had a very complicated relationship with my father. Him and mother were a one time fling in college that went to far. They have never gotten along and I have always been in the middle of it. He thought it was okay to abuse me just because he paid child support like he is supposed to. He was the type of man who thought the world owed him something just because he was a responsible man. It is a funny thing because as much as I hate him, he has another child that I barely know because I do not want to know my father. Yet, this morning he stops by my house and drops me an email after almost 7 months of no talking at all, to tell me that I will be having a little sister. This news would normally have sent me sky rocketing off the roof but yet I find myself not being all that excited right now. Well you see I should be excited because I have a lot of brothers and the only “sister” I have ever had might as well have been a boy. I have a brother of every kind: 1 brother from my dad and some woman I don’t know, one brother from my mom and stepfather, 4 god brothers, 1 stepbrother and 1very boyish stepsister. My step dad was almost going to adopt a little girl last year. I met her and she was so adorable and I wanted to steal her. But in the end her family decided to keep her. Oh well, that did not work out and that sucked because I had given my hopes up of my life long dream to have a baby sister. I came close to that experience this summer when my cousins came to live with us. I spent a lot of time with her and she was a good girl but it was not real, only temporary and fake.
That is the background story and this is the reason why I am not excited: My father has three children by three different women. WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECAUSE ACCEPTABLE FOR MEN TO SPREAD THEIR SEED ALL OVER THE CITY? WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECOME ACCEPTABLE FOR WOMEN TO ACCEPT DEPOSITS LIKE THEIR VAGINA IS A DAMN SPERM BANK?
My father has never been married, EVER. My Father is 41 (yeah, my parents are very young). Throughout my lifetime, in my mind I can count more than 15 women friends of his that I have met in person. Those are those that I met I know there have been many more that have never been in my face. He never fully commits to these women. They are never even his girlfriend. Just some woman he decides to date for a certain length of time and then keep on the back burner forever. The woman having the daughter is someone I met when I was about 15 or 16 and I never saw her again or heard of her again until NOW and I am 22.
In the black community we have a lot of older women complaining about how hard it is to find a good man. The definition of that good man is “A man with a good/great job, making lots of money, has a house, has a car, has no wife”. My dad is the perfect man by those standards. Just last Fall I met 2 more of his “women”, one of whom knew her place and the other thought she was going to get wifed up. Then when he had his birthday party there was a completely different woman there who was hauling in all this food from her car: She had cooked the vast majority of the food. SHE WANTED TO BE WIFEY. She was very mild-mannered, soft-spoken, and homely. The food was very good so she definitely could cook and obviously had no problem doing so. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ANOTHER SANE MANS DREAM WOMAN. Yet she was wasting her time on a man who does want to get married until he is too old to get to live the trif-lifestyle he is now. That is just me paraphrasing his words on why he won’t get married. WHY ARE THEY SO DESPERATE THEY PUT UP WITH HIS BULLSHIT? I WONDER HOW MANY MORE CHILDREN HE WILL HAVE BEFORE HE DECIDES TO MARRY A WOMAN. In my heart, I know that the woman he eventually marries will not be one that has had his child. And my mother does not count. The biggest blessing I have is that my parents were not a couple or married. I am grateful for the stepfather I have except for the fact that he treated my mother like shit way 2 many times (More on that at a later date).
Here is my point: Our people, Black People, American people, have got to do better. Having children who more than likely will all live lives that are not-intertwined is a real fucking problem. That is not the way siblings lives should be. That is the beauty of having siblings, you will not be the only child and you have someone in the world who shares a lot of your life experiences. I have lots of siblings and I cannot say that I know much about any of them except the one that has lived with me all of his life. I am the oldest of all the ones related to me by blood and I feel I have to be a good role model for them and set a good example for them. It is hard because I have so many damn issues and a lot of them stem from my parents, especially my father. I do not have my life together yet and now I have a little sister coming along and I really want to be a big part of her life. And that means having a temporary relationship with a man I do not want in my life. I guess I have to stick it out long enough to get in good enough with the girls mother so that I don’t have to go through him to get access to my sisters life. That felt wrong typing because I have to seek out my own damn sister when she should just be in my life because she is my sister, PERIOD.
Well, at least I know about her some people can not even say that much.
Something is terribly wrong here… August 3, 2008
I have just finished reading this article and I swear a part of me has just died.
I do not know what to do in this country anymore. I wish I had the money to leave now because I am terrified. I am not the most pleasant person in the world and I wonder sometimes if I had an encounter with a police officer would they do me like those people or worse shot me with an actual gun. What about my boyfriend? My brother? My father? My grandfather? My mother? My aunts? My grandmother? My best friend? My cousins? How can they be stopped? These people who are supposed to SERVE AND PROTECT us are power hungry and irrational. My next purchase will be a gun because I feel the immediate urge to make sure I am safe especially against these crooked ass cops. None of them should be allowed to carry weapons at all. There are too many abusing their power. They rob you of your pride and dignity. You cannot even communicate with them normally without becoming their victim. FUCK THEM. If someone shoots them or kills one of them then OH THE FUCK WELL. They did their job then. They protected someone else. That is what they are supposed to do. WHY ARE THEY GETTING AWAY WITH THIS SHIT?
I am trying oh so hard not to cry right now. This is so damn sad to me. I cannot believe they can treat people like this but they will arrest someone and put them in jail for not paying their tickets or taxes. These motherfuckas are allowed to walk free after they break into someones home and taser him while he is sleeping on his couch? While a man is coming out the shower in HIS OWN FUCKING HOME and cannot hear them because HE IS DEAF? A WOMAN IN HER EIGHTH MONTH OF PREGNANCY? When does the public fight back? WHAT THE FUCK?
I have had enough. I hate the fucking police. They do no good. They don’t do their job. They do not keep killers and drug dealers off the streets. These are swarming through my neighborhood like crazy yet I got put into the back of a patrol car when I was 16 because I was late for school when I was on the corner of the street next to my high school. I watched the cop proceed to pat down a man on the street and pull a gun and drugs out of the mans pockets. He then turned around to close the door on me and my friends (further delaying our arrival at school. The man took advantage of the situation by grabbing his gun and running off down the street. The cop gets in the car and circles the block 3 times chasing a person with a FUCKING GUN with my friends and I in the back with no backup. What if that man had decided to shoot at the cop? Would I be crippled or dead? What about my damn friends? This shit saddens me. I have so much hate in my soul for them? WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR PROBLEM?
WHY ARE MY PEOPLE AND I CURSED JUST BECAUSE WE WERE BORN BLACK?
WE CAN NOT HELP IT.
WHY DOES THEIR JOB TITLE PUT THEM ABOVE THE DAMN LAW?
IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ANY OTHER PROFESSION.
Time To Vote August 2, 2008
The 2008 Black Weblog Awards are now up and running. So all 5 people reading this please vote on me because I am putting my heart on your screen and I could defintely use the exposure.
I am eligible for these categories:
Best New Blog
Best Writing in A Blog
Blog To Watch
Thank You For Your Time. Love to all who vote for me.
Oh and, Please start leaving comments. I would really enjoy the feedback.
Here We Go Again… August 1, 2008
There is a serious problem going on in this country and it is being ignored by the general public. POLICE BRUTALITY IS THE NAME OF THIS TRAGEDY. What the fuck is wrong with the people in this country when someone can get harassed, shot down, beat up, shot to death or tasered to death by the police that are suppose to protect and serve us and everyone is getting all their sleep at night? I really need someone to enlighten me because I feel like I am going to go crazy. I am beginning to envision myself robbing people to come up with the funds I need to fight for the rights of my people. I am not a fool, I know it is being ignored because the majority of the people suffering through this abuse are Blacks and the majority of the people dishing out the abuse are Caucasians. That is no fucking excuse for this injustice. WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA.
If someone kills a police officer they get the book thrown at them, but it is okay for cops to be a cop killer. It is okay for cops to put 50 bullets into an innocent man. It is okay for a cop to taser a man 9 times. But of course it does not end there, here’s is more:
and more:
those with white skin can get it too:
I could go on all day but I think I have proved my point.
When will we stand up and take action against these people who are infecting our communities? These mofo’s are out here telling serious duck tales and then they get to go back home to their families. Sean Bell was going to marry the mother of his children the same exact fucking day that the police thought it would be okay to unload 50 bullets into a man that was not even armed. Why are they able to eat dinner with their family at night and on holidays when Sean Bells’ daughters have to be two more blacks girls to grow up without a father? A father that wanted to be a part of their lives. A father that wanted to make an honest woman out of their mother. Why do they get denied that privilege. Why are we all sitting on our asses waiting for it to happen to someone else? How would you feel if that was your father or your uncle or your cousin or your child or YOU?
I refuse to keep letting this happen without letting my voice be heard. I will write my letters to state officials, I will take a train to every city that I hear this happen in and I will participate in protests. But I can’t do that because I would spend every single traveling. I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT. I want to cry but I can not do that anymore because I have been drained of all my tears. I have not told this to anyone but I have lost so much sleep because I stay awake in anger everytime I hear about one of these people that look like me suffering at the hands of these fucking criminals. I stay angry 75% of my day because of all the terrible racist people that have the positions of power in this country. I have to much time on my hands,I know, but it really angers me.
My biggest problem is that at first I thought I was crazy about thinking people did not care about police brutality. So I did a speech about it in one of my college courses one day a few months back, right around the time the three cops got acquitted of murdering Sean Bell. I stood there at the podium and I talked about the problem, the statistics, and how we the people can help bring about the change. I watched people stare back at me with blank eyes. I watched the people pick at their finger nails. I watched the people checking their watches. I even watched two girls talk to each other and pass a newspaper amongst themselves, pointing at dumb shit in the Red Eye. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICANS? WHY HAVE WE LOST ALL SENSE OF HUMANITY. WHY DAMMIT WHY?
Fuck the government and their little half-ass slavery apology. THEY CAN KICK ROCKS AND EAT A DICK INSTEAD OF WASTE MY DAMN TIME. They need to show blacks they are sorry by giving us our reparations, even if we have to work for it (get a job but get higher pay than the whites because they (white people) have already made their fortune off the blood, sweat, tears, and destruction of my ancestors). But hell, that would be near impossible unless they decided to be oh so kind and give us a fucking job in the first place. But that would be too much like right, wouldn’t it?
