Finally… August 20, 2008

Sorry that it has been so long since I posted anything new.

All my life I have had a very complicated relationship with my father. Him and mother were a one time fling in college that went to far. They have never gotten along and I have always been in the middle of it. He thought it was okay to abuse me just because he paid child support like he is supposed to. He was the type of man who thought the world owed him something just because he was a responsible man. It is a funny thing because as much as I hate him, he has another child that I barely know because I do not want to know my father. Yet, this morning he stops by my house and drops me an email after almost 7 months of no talking at all, to tell me that I will be having a little sister. This news would normally have sent me sky rocketing off the roof but yet I find myself not being all that excited right now. Well you see I should be excited because I have a lot of brothers and the only “sister” I have ever had might as well have been a boy. I have a brother of every kind: 1 brother from my dad and some woman I don’t know, one brother from my mom and stepfather, 4 god brothers, 1 stepbrother and 1very boyish stepsister. My step dad was almost going to adopt a little girl last year. I met her and she was so adorable and I wanted to steal her. But in the end her family decided to keep her. Oh well, that did not work out and that sucked because I had given my hopes up of my life long dream to have a baby sister. I came close to that experience this summer when my cousins came to live with us. I spent a lot of time with her and she was a good girl but it was not real, only temporary and fake.

That is the background story and this is the reason why I am not excited: My father has three children by three different women. WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECAUSE ACCEPTABLE FOR MEN TO SPREAD THEIR SEED ALL OVER THE CITY? WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECOME ACCEPTABLE FOR WOMEN TO ACCEPT DEPOSITS LIKE THEIR VAGINA IS A DAMN SPERM BANK?

My father has never been married, EVER. My Father is 41 (yeah, my parents are very young). Throughout my lifetime, in my mind I can count more than 15 women friends of his that I have met in person. Those are those that I met I know there have been many more that have never been in my face. He never fully commits to these women. They are never even his girlfriend. Just some woman he decides to date for a certain length of time and then keep on the back burner forever. The woman having the daughter is someone I met when I was about 15 or 16 and I never saw her again or heard of her again until NOW and I am 22.

In the black community we have a lot of older women complaining about how hard it is to find a good man. The definition of that good man is “A man with a good/great job, making lots of money, has a house, has a car, has no wife”. My dad is the perfect man by those standards. Just last Fall I met 2 more of his “women”, one of whom knew her place and the other thought she was going to get wifed up. Then when he had his birthday party there was a completely different woman there who was hauling in all this food from her car: She had cooked the vast majority of the food. SHE WANTED TO BE WIFEY. She was very mild-mannered, soft-spoken, and homely. The food was very good so she definitely could cook and obviously had no problem doing so.  SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ANOTHER SANE MANS DREAM WOMAN. Yet she was wasting her time on a man who does want to get married until he is too old to get to live the trif-lifestyle he is now. That is just me paraphrasing his words on why he won’t get married. WHY ARE THEY SO DESPERATE THEY PUT UP WITH HIS BULLSHIT? I WONDER HOW MANY MORE CHILDREN HE WILL HAVE BEFORE HE DECIDES TO MARRY A WOMAN. In my heart, I know that the woman he eventually marries will not be one that has had his child. And my mother does not count. The biggest blessing I have is that my parents were not a couple or married. I am grateful for the stepfather I have except for the fact that he treated my mother like shit way 2 many times (More on that at a later date).

Here is my point: Our people, Black People, American people, have got to do better. Having children who more than likely will all live lives that are not-intertwined is a real fucking problem. That is not the way siblings lives should be. That is the beauty of having siblings, you will not be the only child and you have someone in the world who shares a lot of your life experiences. I have lots of siblings and I cannot say that I know much about any of them except the one that has lived with me all of his life. I am the oldest of all the ones related to me by blood and I feel I have to be a good role model for them and set a good example for them. It is hard because I have so many damn issues and a lot of them stem from my parents, especially my father. I do not have my life together yet and now I have a little sister coming along and I really want to be a big part of her life. And that means having a temporary relationship with a man I do not want in my life. I guess I have to stick it out long enough to get in good enough with the girls mother so that I don’t have to go through him to get access to my sisters life. That felt wrong typing because I have to seek out my own damn sister when she should just be in my life because she is my sister, PERIOD.

Well, at least I know about her some people can not even say that much.

Here We Go Again… August 1, 2008

There is a serious problem going on in this country and it is being ignored by the general public. POLICE BRUTALITY IS THE NAME OF THIS TRAGEDY. What the fuck is wrong with the people in this country when someone can get harassed, shot down, beat up, shot to death or tasered to death by the police that are suppose to protect and serve us and everyone is getting all their sleep at night? I really need someone to enlighten me because I feel like I am going to go crazy. I am beginning to envision myself robbing people to come up with the funds I need to fight for the rights of my people. I am not a fool, I know it is being ignored because the majority of the people suffering through this abuse are Blacks and the majority of the people dishing out the abuse are Caucasians. That is no fucking excuse for this injustice. WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA.

If someone kills a police officer they get the book thrown at them, but it is okay for cops to be a cop killer. It is okay for cops to put 50 bullets into an innocent man. It is okay for a cop to taser a man 9 times. But of course it does not end there, here’s is more:

and more:

those with white skin can get it too:

I could go on all day but I think I have proved my point.

When will we stand up and take action against these people who are infecting our communities? These mofo’s are out here telling serious duck tales and then they get to go back home to their families. Sean Bell was going to marry the mother of his children the same exact fucking day that the police thought it would be okay to unload 50 bullets into a man that was not even armed. Why are they able to eat dinner with their family at night and on holidays when Sean Bells’ daughters have to be two more blacks girls to grow up without a father?  A father that wanted to be a part of their lives. A father that wanted to make an honest woman out of their mother. Why do they get denied that privilege. Why are we all sitting on our asses waiting for it to happen to someone else? How would you feel if that was your father or your uncle or your cousin or your child or YOU?

I refuse to keep letting this happen without letting my voice be heard. I will write my letters to state officials, I will take a train to every city that I hear this happen in and I will participate in protests. But I can’t do that because I would spend every single traveling. I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT. I want to cry but I can not do that anymore because I have been drained of all my tears. I have not told this to anyone but I have lost so much sleep because I stay awake in anger everytime I hear about one of these people that look like me suffering at the hands of these fucking criminals. I stay angry 75% of my day because of all the terrible racist people that have the positions of power in this country. I have to much time on my hands,I know, but it really angers me.

My biggest problem is that at first I thought I was crazy about thinking people did not care about police brutality. So I did a speech about it in one of my college courses one day a few months back, right around the time the three cops got acquitted of murdering Sean Bell. I stood there at the podium and I talked about the problem, the statistics, and how we the people can help bring about the change. I watched people stare back at me with blank eyes. I watched the people pick at their finger nails. I watched the people checking their watches. I even watched two girls talk to each other and pass a newspaper amongst themselves, pointing at dumb shit in the Red Eye. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICANS? WHY HAVE WE LOST ALL SENSE OF HUMANITY. WHY DAMMIT WHY?

Fuck the government and their little half-ass slavery apology. THEY CAN KICK ROCKS AND EAT A DICK INSTEAD OF WASTE MY DAMN TIME. They need to show blacks they are sorry by giving us our reparations, even if we have to work for it (get a job but get higher pay than the whites because they (white people) have already made their fortune off the blood, sweat, tears, and destruction of my ancestors). But hell, that would be near impossible unless they decided to be oh so kind and give us a fucking job in the first place. But that would be too much like right, wouldn’t it?

I Know My Worth, Do You Know Yours? July 23, 2008

Last night me and my cousin went out to get some Pepsi from a Walgreen’s and had to travel all over to find on that was up at midnight. I parked the car at the 87th & Cottage Grove location and she went in. While I sat there in peace trying to listen to India.Arie tell me how she was ready to accept love, some young men came out of the store and walked over to the truck directly to my right. I paid them no attention after that until another truck pulled up on my left. It was the same two who came out of the store. I looked up into the truck and the guy appeared to be talking down to me but because I did not know him I ignored it. I wrote it off as a figment of my imagination. They got out of the car and Guy A (the one speaking down at me) walks over to the other truck. Then he starts yanking on the door handle of MY CAR!! He then starts to say I can relax because he won’t hurt me. I bend over to crack the window so he can talk. He says some BS about knowing me from somewhere preferably a high school called Harlan. I did not go there, don’t know where it is located and have never been in the vicinity of this school unless I have driven past it unknownly somewhere in my lifetime. I bend over to roll the window back up. He starts to talk to the guy in the truck again. Then turns around and knocks on my window. Asks me some BS like do I know him from a party (I do not party) or through friends (HELL NO!!!). Saying he does not forget faces (neither do I !!). I must have a doppleganger because he does not know me. This entire time Guy B is standing on my side of the car keeping me feeling trapped.

The sad thing is to some I know that scenario sounds like a set up for a scene in a FUCKING horror film, but for me it was creepy but not truly terrifying because I am used to being put in situations similar to this all the time. As a Young Black Woman I have to deal with BS from Young Black Men all the damn time. I do not know what went wrong with the parents, Parenting Skills because most YBM are completely clueless on how to approach a YBW with some class and tact. Then I thought maybe it is me. I am a slightly overweight person and most men feel like women in my category should be very thirsty and desperate. They see me like this:

And that is fine they have their opinion but… I hold myself to a different standard because I see myself like this:

And I really need them to treat me and other YBW how they would treat this woman if they saw her out in public or if she was their woman:

I am a real woman and I work hard and I have morals and values that should be respected. I do not give a FUCK how a YBM feels about YBW, they should be showing all of us the same respect they would want someone to show their mother or grandmother or sister. My size has nothing to do with what kind of woman I am or the value of my life and time. But I am just one case. Many YBM disrespect YBW because they think she is an easy woman, or a dumb woman, or an ugly woman. Most of these idiots only go for women who look like her ^^^^^^^ and they get their heart broke or feelings hurt and then they want to run off to another race of women. Thats fine 2, good riddance to the quitters, YBW do not need a weak man anyway. And I am not just bashing the Educated Young Black Men (they are the quickest to run off to another race because they think they are better then their counterparts). I have meet some YBM from the hood who have “threatened me” with their wants and desires of being with a white woman. Good Riddance!!! Let a lesser woman put up with your ridiculous ways and views on life. I will pray for her and hope she won’t ever leave you.

I am sorry but my anger has been building up because I have been dating since I was 13 and it has been 9 years and 5 serious relationships that have all failed. I have given all 5 five of these males all my love, time, energy, effort and trust. Sadly, I have been hurt in one way or another or in all ways by each one of these men. I thankfully don’t have any children with any of them so I have no ties to them but a lot of women do have kids by men (BOYS!!!) that do not show them their full value. They are broken by these men and it is hard to pick up the pieces once your heart, life and world has been torn apart (I have seen it happen so many times).

Black people are some of the most torn and divided people in the world. Healthy Relationships are the most treasured thing in the world. A vast majority of Black Men have decided to give up on Black women because they perceive us all to have bad attitudes (a lot of Black women do but then again a lot of WOMEN do and anyone would if they have been hurt time and time again). Men are stronger then women with their emotions (nature) and things won’t faze them the same way. The thing is we have to nurture one another and help others heal their wounds. That is what love is about. Why do people think they don’t have to love those who look like them? Black women are loyal to Black men but Black men reject black women. This is tearing me apart. The Black Community is already as fucked as it could possibly be ( an overwhelming amount of broken homes, criminals, single parents, unguided children, missing children, dying children and no father figures). Why do our men think running away is the answer to fixing this problem (someone please tell me)? I am starting to envision a future where black people are as rare to find as Native Americans. That makes me cry and it should make you cry also. Our men are indulging in things that our community cannot afford right now.

Everywhere I turn I am being told by a BM that he wants a woman (Wife) who will love him,cook, clean, take care of the children and raise them right. That is fair but the same has to be reciprocated. These black men envision themselves to be some sort of modern day Martin and they want a Coretta. These men are not anything like Martin because Martin was a fighter. He wanted to uplift the black community and these men are quick to tear it down. Why the fuck do they deserve a Coretta (someone please tell me)? How do we change this? If we don’t Black People will disappear to jails, graveyards and more mixture with other races.